We often feel the urge to defend ourselves when attacked and get manipulated in the process. Silence might speak louder than a thousand words sometimes - and show strenght by inaction.
Just imagine the following situation: Somewhere in public, a man and a woman sit at the same table. Obviously, the man is in a bad mood, cursing at the woman at the top of his lungs. She doesn't react. He keeps screaming and insulting her, but she doesn't even look up. He continues, and she just gets up and leaves. If you witnessed such an event, what would you think? Would you think that the woman would have done something wrong? Or would you think that the man appeared crazy?
Granted, this kind of behavior is pretty unusual. I guess it would be more common that the woman would try to defend herself and talk back. How would that change our perception? We might now witness a conflict with two parties involved. They are arguing, so there might be a reason for it. Somehow, the woman responding validates the man's reaction. After all, there are always two sides to a story, right?
The Art of intimidation by silence
Let me give you another example based on personal experience. Sometimes at work, I got into conflicts with my superiors since we disagreed on what was right and wrong - and I am a man of strong convictions. When the argument got heated, I learned that the best way to react was to remain silent, look attentive, and just listen. First of all, in my opinion, it is the right thing to do. When attacked, our instincts kick in and we run on emotions, which is not a good foundation for a fruitful conversation. Instead, a more mature reaction is to remain silent, think about what is being said, reflect, and respond at a later point in time - if any.
Additionally, I noticed something else. In such arguments, the other person expects you to respond and defend yourself, so when I just listened without emotions, I realized that the other person grew insecure. I didn't behave how they had envisioned it. Instead of feeling intimidated, it made me feel more confident because I knew that professionally there was no reason for a heated debate. I won't be intimidated by someone else being unprofessional.
If someone tries to intimidate and they realize that they are failing, they feel the power they thought they had slip through their fingers. Of course, such a reaction requires inner strength, but once mastered, it is really empowering.
I find that the same applies to people who just randomly insult you because they are having a bad day. When ignored, they give up eventually. You win effortlessly, so to speak.
Entering the Troll Cave
Senseless debates and arguments can be found all over the internet every second. There, one might think, it might be even easier to ignore a troll, someone whose sole purpose is to provoke, but still, the urge to react is stronger for many people. It validates the person starting the fire - and it gives them attention and visibility, the one thing they want. After all, if nobody reacted, it would be a lonely man shouting at an empty table again. Let the crazy be crazy. When isolated, they might starve. Just like Tinkerbell - only uglier.
Finally, I had to deal with that issue multiple times when working at schools. Every day students insulted each other. Most commonly, they used "Hurensohn," which translates to "son of a whore." In almost all cases, it caused an extreme reaction. After all, who would listen to their mother being insulted and not defend her? Frequently, I visited classes for interventions after cases of aggression. I tried to tell them that it has nothing to do with their mothers. Does the other guy know your mother? No? Is your mother a whore? No? How would he know that anyway? He can't! Does he want to insult your mother? No! But he wants to push your buttons - and with your reaction, you prove him right. Someone insulting your mother without getting a reaction just looks like an idiot. By responding to it, you give him what he wants. He wins. He knows how to control you. Be stronger than that!
I am sure that the students had no problem understanding my reasoning, but they couldn't always stay calm, being afraid to be judged weak, dishonorable, or cowardly by their friends or families. Again, expectations keep us from doing the right, the smarter thing.
Trolls are people who are hurt. Nobody who is strong and confident has to insult or hurt others. They are on a painful campaign to prove to themselves every day that they are not totally worthless, that they exist. They need recognition, and provocation is the only way they know how to get it. We should pity them - and at the same time ignore them to make life easier for ourselves. Responding to provocation doesn't always stand for strength.
Let them taste silence - and see how much they'll like its bitter taste.
Comentarios