Well-intended is not always well-executed – Why we should make life harder for our children sometimes
In kindergarten, a four-year-old boy sits next to me at the table. He struggles with his yogurt container, trying to open it. His dainty fingers do not seem to have enough grip to open the lid. He turns to me and asks for help. I decline.
At a kindergarten in a forest – a common concept in Germany – a five-year-old girl climbs on a pile of loose branches. Eventually, her boot gets stuck and she falls over. She cannot get back up and starts crying. I look at her but refuse to help.
In a shower room at a campsite in France, a boy of seven or eight years struggles to reach the faucet at the sink. Whenever you press it, the water would run for about ten seconds. I stand at the sink next to him. I watch him but do not intervene.
How would you react? Differently?
Actually, all of those things happened, and there were good reasons for my reactions. I will come back to those later, but before you might judge me as being cold or heartless for not helping children in need, let me elaborate.
The fairness dilemma
Imagine you work in a kindergarten with a group of 18 children, aged five to six. You have small presents for them, such as candy or marbles. Alas, you have a problem: You don’t have enough for everyone. You only have 12 pieces for 18 children. The children already know about the presents. What would you do?
You could say that today nobody would get anything since you don’t have enough.
You could say that you’ll go to the store to get the missing pieces.
You could give everything to the child whose birthday is closest.
You could rank the children and give the presents to the oldest/youngest.
You could ask colleagues or parents for advice.
You could…
No matter what you decide, my question for you would be: What do you intend long-term with your actions? What would you want the children to get out of that experience?
Have you considered presenting the dilemma to the children themselves so that they can try to figure out a solution with your assistance? After all, in education, we should be assistants, not deciders. It should always be our goal to guide children in a way so that they can become confident, strong, and independent. We could try to always please them for the moment, but how would that prepare them for the challenges that life has to offer?
Based on my experience, many children define unfair as “I am not getting what I want.” Why? Because they have not yet been taught what fairness means. So what would our imaginative group of 18 children say if they had to distribute the 12 presents themselves? We can’t know, but we should ask ourselves: Why haven’t we tried that more often yet?
Children have to learn that they can’t always get what they want, that finding compromises is an essential part of any coherent group, and that cooperation will be better for our well-being than competition. Most importantly, children have to learn to deal with frustration and failure. Failure might be our most valuable source for learning – if we consider it as a chance more than shame. And that is where education comes in. We have to help our children to become resilient. We have to prepare them for life so that they won’t doubt themselves every time they run into an obstacle.
Still, isn’t that too harsh at that age?
The Source of Confidence
Try to imagine a moment where you felt very proud of yourself. Without knowing what it was, I have an idea that it was something you achieved, not something that was done for you. That you had to work hard for it and invested time and effort. That it was not easy, but challenging. The bigger the challenge is, the prouder we will feel if we succeed. It will give us the feeling that we have skills and knowledge, that we are independent, that we matter. But what if we won't have the chance to succeed because somebody else is doing the work for us, or we don’t even want to start because we fear that we will fail anyway?
Every time we help a child too quickly, we ruin their chances of achievement, of pride, of growing confidence, and self-esteem. We want to help, yes, and maybe the child would be grateful short-term (many children actually would not be appreciative for help since they often have the urge to achieve something themselves – until we bury that motivation), but what advantage would the child have long-term? We know that you won't learn an instrument in a week, that you won't become a professional athlete by practicing only twice, and that it takes years to master algebra. We know that it takes time and effort to get there. Why don’t we make the same connections when it comes to characteristics that make our
children strong?
Coming back to my first examples…
If I know that I can rely on you, I can achieve more than I thought
No, I do not believe that confronting children with multiple problems will make them stronger in and by itself. It is up to us to create an environment where they can soar. If they know that we believe in them, they are more likely to believe in themselves.
So, I didn’t just say no when I was asked to help open the yogurt. I watched the boy very carefully, making sure that he knew that I was paying attention. When he asked me for help I said: “I think you should keep trying a bit more. I believe that you can do it yourself. If it doesn’t work, I will help you.” Eventually the lid came open – and his face lit up.
I did basically the same with the girl who got stuck with her boot. I stood close by and said: “I believe that you can do it yourself, but if it doesn’t work, I am here to help you.” She managed to break free and get up, calming down quickly. I didn’t mind the crying. I was convinced that the moment of achievement will outweigh the moment of frustration, making her feel better about herself.
Finally, the boy and the faucet. At first, I actually did press it, but didn’t get the impression that he was happy about that. I asked myself why I did that – to make him feel better or myself? So I didn’t press it a second time and carried on with my business. He did eventually manage to climb up the sink, reaching the faucet. It was what he wanted. He wanted to feel independent. He wanted this achievement – and I almost ruined it for him. Ironically, how often do we get upset when we think we helped someone but they won't thank us in the way we expect? Maybe they didn't want our help?
Obviously, we need both when working with children – love and compassion on the one hand and challenging environments on the other. There might be moments of frustration, anger, and sadness, but we have to prepare them for the lives that are ahead of them. It should not be our goal to make only popular decisions. It should be our goal to make decisions that are best for their future. Sometimes both are in conflict with each other. Eventually, they will appreciate it – because they will understand that we care.
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