Often, different opinions are just dismissed as cultural differences instead of considering individual well-being
No matter your age, you've spent your entire life in your own skin. It grew with you, aged, and changed. Based on that intimate relationship, you could consider yourself an expert on your own skin. But if something suspicious appeared, would you treat it yourself or consult a dermatologist?
Of course, some people don't believe in science and modern medicine and would avoid them accordingly. Nevertheless, most of us agree that we would ask experts for advice in moments of need. If our teeth hurt, we'll go to a dentist. Women frequently visit gynecologists. If we realize we have mental issues, we'll see a psychologist. We accept that these people are experts with the knowledge and training to give us good advice in most cases.
The same isn't true when it comes to parenting. How many parents would ask professionals for advice on dealing with their child? Are we even aware that specialists in that topic exist? They do, and I consider myself one of them. However, when discussing the issue, I often encounter several problems.
Can you be an expert for children when you aren't a parent?
Can one be a gynecologist if they are not a woman themselves? Can one work in drug counseling if they are not addicted to drugs? Can a dentist with good teeth truly empathize with their patients? Can one be a good police officer if they are not themselves criminals? Etc. I think these questions and comparisons are not obvious, and that we understand that people can perform their profession well and conscientiously even if they are not personally affected by the subject they are dealing with. Why, then, do we accept this kind of argument when it comes to parenting?
I don't have children myself, which is sometimes used to undermine what I say. "Do you even know what you are talking about?" It doesn't seem to matter as much how many children I've worked with, how much I've educated and trained myself, or how many years of experience I have. Having children, so it seems, makes everybody an expert on the topic. If that's the case, why are so many families and children suffering?
Advice is meant to support, not to judge
Second, parenting advice is an extremely sensitive topic. It's supposed to support both children and parents, but it's often understood as hurtful critique. Did we fail as parents? Are we responsible for our child not doing well? Do you even know us and our child well enough to offer advice? Parenting advice can't be based on orders or judgment. It has to be a shared process of asking questions and finding solutions together. The only other topic I can think of where people might get as defensive is religion. As soon as you mention a different opinion, people might get offended (by their own choice, of course, because you can't really offend anyone. People choose to be offended.). Disagreement is dismissed as merely your opinion, which brings me to the biggest issue.
When cultural relativism trumps reason
Third, it's very unusual to talk about objective truths when it comes to raising and educating children. While I can understand parents' sensitivity when it comes to advice, this general point alienates me the most. For adults, we would agree that we need love, safety, friendship, health, recognition, freedom, and so on for our own well-being. But when it comes to how to raise children, it's very difficult to find common ground, as if children are a completely different species. Even something as obvious as physical violence is sometimes justified based on cultural differences or different opinions.
I just had a conversation a few days ago about that very topic. I thought at least that would be an objective truth, but another traveler from Hong Kong, a father himself, argued that it is simply different in his culture - and that that alone would justify it. A child, he argued, doesn't experience violence as consciously as we do as adults. How would he know that? And what about the unconscious damage? There is no educational value to beatings. For children, the intentions of our actions matter. There is no other intention to hitting than to cause you pain (and to scare you into submission). The intention is purely toxic. It will leave a mark, and nothing should be used to justify it.
But that is the main problem with cultural relativism: we don't try to look for objective truths, for what is actually good or bad. We argue that it is acceptable simply because it exists in our culture. I notice that this train of thought is first and foremost used when it serves one's own interests. You defend hitting a child, cutting pieces of their skin off, or humiliating them with certain punishments when you do it yourself. Of course, you forget to mention the parts of your culture that don't speak in your favor. You are much less likely to defend those. We pick and choose - pure hypocrisy.
Even though there is more than just one good way to raise a child, I strongly believe that there are objective truths that are universal. Let's not talk about culture or traditions, family background, or beliefs; let's talk about individual well-being. What is good for us in most cases is good for children, so how would we feel if someone treated us the way we treat our children?
Children have rights, and they don't depend on our opinion. If we fail to accept that, we'll also fail to teach them what it takes to make the world a better place. Children are not responsible for our shortcomings, and they shouldn't suffer for them.
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