We all depend on it, and yet we often neglect it – How good communication can improve our lives
Several years ago in a kindergarten in Germany, I tried to practice math with a boy of about four years. I wanted to find out how good he was at counting. I showed him my hand with my fingers extended and asked: “If I remove one of my five fingers, how many fingers do I have left?” With little hesitation, he said: “Eight!” As most people would be, I wasn’t happy with that answer and tried again. “No, look at my fingers! If you take one away, how many are left!” “Eight!” I tried again, but he didn’t reconsider. Eventually, I asked: “Could you please explain to me what you calculated to get to that result?” “Yes, of course. You have two hands. If you remove one finger from each, you have eight left.” It dawned on me that I was the dummy. I was ready to judge that he couldn’t do math yet, only to get schooled on how to understand people.
Of course, one could argue that he missed the question since I talked about only one hand, but that would be extremely petty. And what would that have done to him? I would have made him feel wrong just because I didn’t get the way he thought? How often do we do injustice to children, let alone people in general, simply because we don’t understand them?
Communication is the fabric of human interactions. It is impossible not to communicate since our body language does it for us in times when our words won’t. How often, however, do we consciously think about it though, and how many problems and misunderstandings could we avoid if we did?
Blame yourself
Let’s start with a simple but extremely powerful point to remember: if you are trying to convey information, but the other person doesn’t get it, blame yourself instead of the receiver. There is a world of a difference between: “Sorry, I didn’t make myself clear!” and “Why won’t you get me?” It applies to the same situation, but while the first option is a good foundation for a calm conversation, the second version breeds potential for conflict since it can easily be perceived as an attack. No matter how clearly you think you phrased yourself, we can only see and understand the world with our own eyes and minds. What might be clear to us could be elusive to others. So apologize and try again. Nobody in their right mind can be mad at you for that.
Use I-messages
This is one of the probably better-known points. When disagreeing with someone, make sure that you convey an opinion, not judgment. Even an example as simple as “I don’t like your dress!” and “Your dress is ugly!” makes the point. The first is just an opinion, and tastes vary. The second is judgmental or an insult. Both describe the same situation, but the results for the receiver of the message are vastly different. So voice your opinion and mention what you think, but don’t phrase your statements as if you are stating facts.
Define your goals
Conscious communication usually has a goal. It is obvious when we ask a question or want something, but even the desire to talk with someone else and get some feedback could be a goal in and of itself. If you face a conversation that might not be trivial, focus on what you want to get out of it. Even if it might make you feel like acting at times, it still serves your interests. Children lie all the time to get what they want. Of course, I do not mean to endorse lying per se, but what point is there to risk an argument just because you want to be right? So if your goal is to have a peaceful atmosphere at home or if you need your grumpy coworker to cooperate with you, say what you have to say in order to get what you want. Insisting on being right all the time is a waste of time and effort.
Know your conversation partner
If you get to know people, you realize that the same form of communication is not going to lead to the same results. Betty likes to gossip, Jonah only speaks when absolutely necessary, and Antonio loves his conspiracy theories. You can stay yourself but still adjust your communication efforts to those different types. Don’t bother Jonah with small talk, don’t ask Antonio for medical advice, and ask Betty about a celebrity once in a while. We don’t have to be friends with everyone, but we can expect to get along respectfully if we accept our differences and appreciate diversity.
Be articulate
Obviously, if we want others to understand us, it helps to have a solid vocabulary. If we cannot express ourselves properly, how can we expect others to understand us? In addition, it is simply frustrating to realize that you would like to express a thought but you can’t based on a lack of vocabulary. How many words you know is not so much a matter of intelligence. It is rather a matter of practice and interest.
Stay calm and rational
Unfortunately, too many people get upset too easily when talking to someone with a different opinion. Often in these moments, they are driven by emotions. Such are very rarely good advisors for a calm and reasonable conversation. Instead, try to stay rational and separate the issue from the person. Just because someone has a different opinion doesn’t mean that we have to dislike them. Opinions can change, so we should make sure that prejudice doesn’t stay forever.
Be polite
Of course, some aspects of good communication come down to respectful behavior. Be attentive, listen carefully and don’t interrupt; don’t use insults; don’t be too proud to admit mistakes; ignore your phone when you are in a conversation; and so on. A conversation might not always interest us, but it is a matter of decency to follow a few ground rules.
Don’t interpret
Admittedly, this might be the most difficult point to follow since it is highly subjective. The way people convey and receive information is very different. Germans like me have the reputation of being very direct which might upset people who grew up in different cultures. But even within a society, there are various forms of interpreting communication. For example, the statement: “We are out of milk!” could just be intended as a piece of information so that my roommates are not surprised when they look for any. It could, however, be understood by others as an accusation such as: “Who finished the milk but didn’t restock?” It is understandable that we will never reach a point where everybody interprets a message the same way, but I believe that life would be much easier if we just said what we meant and others would understand it as such – instead of interpreting it. The least that we can do is ask for the meaning of a statement if we are not sure instead of drawing conclusions prematurely.
Words make all the difference
I usually don’t mind criticism or feedback, especially at work. Nobody is perfect, so we should all be open to someone else’s perspective. How we phrase something makes all the difference though. “Ahmad, I am happy about your overall performance. I think one thing you could imporve would be your presentation skills!” Most people would not be hurt by such a statement and might actually feel motivated to improve. What if the boss had said: “Ahmad, I am really disappointed with your presentation. How hard can it be?” Again, we come back to the goal of communication. If you want your employees to improve, you have to motivate them instead of dragging them down even in moments of weakness. So whenever we want to critique someone, we should choose our words very carefully. Of course, some people won’t accept critique either way, but I am convinced that 90 percent of our conversations could be improved by following the points listed here.
For the benefit of everyone involved.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate that you took the time!
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